


Mash Is Replaced By a Sentient Eggplant

by Shutterbutters



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Black Comedy, Crack Fic, Other, Prompt: Mashu is replaced by a sentient eggplant, crossposted from my tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 06:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17420591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shutterbutters/pseuds/Shutterbutters
Summary: A Shielder learns to eat her vegetables





	Mash Is Replaced By a Sentient Eggplant

Mashu being kidnapped by evil sentient human-sized vegetable people inside her own base? Fine. Why not? That’s basically just Tuesday in Chaldea. She’s frightened, will cry a little, call for her senpai, and struggle uselessly against her leafy chains. Her vegetable captors laugh at her, flick her nose for fun, and reveal their plan: A replacement Mashu. Virtually identical to the girl known as Mash Kyrielight, if not for the fact that she was very clearly an eggplant. 

They laugh. They holler. They giggle and chortle. They fail to see that their prisoner has gone deadly silent, her eyes glued to the floor. They never realize they’ve just made the biggest mistake of their nutritious, mildly bitter lives. One of the cauliflower guards leans in close to give her another flick to the nose. Mashu tilts her head back, opens wide…

And bites off his head.

Mashu’s captors watch the guard’s decapitated form crumple to the ground, horror in their vegetable faces and tears in their vegetable eyes.

“Steve!”

“No!!!”

“Oh my God! Oh my God!”

Mashu chews slowly, her soulless purple eyes never leaving their watery green. Every crunch, every munch, echoes through the room; a malevolent spirit in auditory form, whispering black nightmares into their ears.

Mashu spits. The masticated remains of a vegetable skull peers back at her vegetable captors, what was left recognizable of its face locked in an eternal, silent, scream. 

The lights go out, because

_Of course_

They do. The vegetable people bunch up in the darkness, each one too afraid to scream.

The lights come back. No one is hurt. They almost sigh in relief. Almost. 

The prisoner is gone, leafy chains in tatters. The skull of the cauliflower guard has been dashed across the floor, green sludge being all that remains. 

The vegetable people do what anyone would do in their position: Run for their vegetable lives. 

They pile upon the exit, throwing all their weight (It’s not much. They were harvested off-season.) against the doorway. They push, they pull, they plead, they beg, they scream. But the door…

 

It.

 

Won’t.

 

Budge.

 

A steel pipe is wrapped around the door handles, torn from who knows where and bent with brute strength and malice. 

The sound of footsteps comes from behind them. Mashu Kyrielight is there, and she has found the blender. She steps toward them slowly, deliberately, the extra long extension chord making sure there was nowhere to run.

Words spill from her mouth, tumbling out between the gore in her teeth and the madness in her throat. The last words the vegetable people would ever hear, in their sad, pitiful, vegetable lives.

“Senpai… will always be senpai. I’m… senpai’s kouhai. I must look out for senpai. Yes, yes. I’ll look out for her as I always have. I’m her kouhai. Her special one and only. If I work hard, she’ll love me like always. No one will replace me. No one. No one.”

 

“No one.”

 

“Replaces.”

 

“ **Me**.”

 

Mashu curls her arms around the blender. It was precious. Oh yes, so precious. This little machine was going to forge senpai’s love for her. Make it unbreakable. Make her irreplaceable.

“Yes… Yes. We’ll start today like every day. I’ll make senpai a healthy brunch.”

Mashu’s head snaps forward, her stare locked on the loudly sobbing carrot man. Her fingers tap the button labeled ‘Turbo Blend.’ The machine whirrs to life.

 

## “ **Let’s start with the salad.** ”

_______________________________________

 

Shirou Emiya grumbled to himself as he marched down Chaldea’s long halls and towards the kitchen. It was three in the fucking morning, why and how was there an emergency in the kitchen already?  
  
“There you are, Archer.” Came a voice a little further down.   
  
Arturia Pendragon hurried over to meet him, looking quite cross.  
  
“Please respond more promptly to my emergency calls. I told you fifteen minutes ago I could hear the sounds of battle coming from here.” She scolded. “I should not have to tell you how critical the kitchen is to our task of saving the world.”  
  
“My apologies. Where are the others?”  
  
Saber blushed. “Well they, er, they told me to go check it out myself if I was so insistent on being up and about so early in the morning.”  
  
Archer grunted in reply.   
  
“Well let’s see what the problem is.”  
  
He turned the keys and pushed against the door. His eyes widened.  
  
Locked.  
  
Locked? No. No something was blocking the door. Something heavy. Something-  
  
Saber spartan-kicked the door.  
  
Something that wouldn’t be a problem for Saber apparently.  
  
Mashu Kyrielight lay huddled on the floor, broken blender in hand. All around the floor, walls, and ceilings, was a mysterious green sludge which took on strange shapes. If Archer didn’t know better, he could have sworn he saw faces in the muck.  
  
The whole room smelled strongly of vegetables.  
  
Mashu looked up at them with a toothy, crooked smile and bloodshot eyes. “My salad. My salad’s almost done. So messy. Must clean. But senpai must be fed first. But how will I feed her in bed with this mess in the kitchen? Oh no. Oh no. I’m a bad kouhai. I’m a bad kouhai…”  
  
Mashu cradled her head as she began to sob. Saber could only look on in shock.  
  
Archer facepalmed with both hands.  
  
_God_ he hated Tuesdays. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm very sorry you had to read this. 
> 
> Come say hi at shuttershocky.tumblr.com and send me more weird writing prompts!


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